wHAT DO PEOPLE REALLY THINK ABOUT US?

At the Billabong 4th Anniversary Piggy said that John Howitt had been playing bass for Cindi Lauper at Wembley Arena the night before. Of course, Les got it all wrong and announced that John had been playing bass at Wembley Social Club with a bloke called Sidney Leper!

Also at Billabong, Piggy suggested that his band play some Jazz. John Howitt replied "What, Jazz and Dave?"

Waldorf and Statler are taking their jobs as judges at the Pilot too seriously, by asking Matt and Gina to provide a casting couch for interviews with girl singers.

Liz reports that Les is getting fed up with people calling him 'Davros, leader of The Daleks' on days when he has to use his wheelchair.

When asked if he enjoyed doing gigs on drums with The Blues Mothers, Big Dave Tettmar replied "Yeah I don't mind playing with old people now and again!"

"John Henry needed a special cloud effect for his rendition of 'Til There Was You' at last weeks Jam. Thank God for the smoking ban, 'cause Les wanted drummer Big Al to light up one of his cigars!" confided Gina and Matt (landlords of The Pilot in Maidstone)

"Blues Mother Jams bring a nice class of person into my pub!" enthused Kelsey Arms landlady Kiran, then added "Apart from Les, that is!"

"I met Big Al at a Blues Mother Jam in my pub 'The Chequers Inn' in Hoo, Rochester. He's giving my wife Annie drum lessons now! I wouldn't mind, but the other night I woke up at 3am and she was playing 'Wipe Out' on my stomach with coat hangers!" complained landlord Bill

Simon Rawlings won't be attending the Billabong 4th Anniversary Jam because he's playing at Ilfracomb that night. "I hope he bloody stays there!" scoffed Les

At The Sevenoaks Festival on June 21st - The Blues Mothers were playing outside and a little old lady with a walking stick walked in front of the band. Les immediately doffed his hat and and announced "Its Mrs Thatcher!" The lady smiled and fumbled in her purse and put £3.50p in the hat! After calling her a cheapskate for not making it a fiver, Les threw the hat to the ground and tried it out on all of the other little old ladies - but to no avail! Les's main worry was that his agent John Levett would want a cut out of it!

"I did a survey in my pub, and asked my customers what their favourite moments had been in our pub over the last few years." remarked Graham of Ryan's in Southborough. "The response was immediate and unanimous 'THE END OF A BLUES MOTHER'S GIG!"

On one of their Chav and Daisy gigs recently Liz, Roger and Les performed 92 songs. "We had PRS and MCPS on our doorstep the very next morning. I had the last laugh - because the songs were so old - they were out of copyright!" laughed Alan & Lesley (landlords)

Amid rumours this week that two of the Blues Mothers are having an 'affair' both Roger and Les emphatically deny it!

The whole of Cardiff & Swansea, plus most of Sheerness have now put a restraining order on The Blues Mothers performing their 'Sheep Shaggers' song

Joe (ex-landlord of the Pilot in Maidstone) complained "I moved into a new pub all the way to Bells Yew Green, all the way out near Tunbridge Wells - to get away from 7 String Les and his bloody Blues Mothers. What happens? - I go bac to visit Gina and Matt, have a few drinks and let Les talk me into doing jams in my new pub The Brecknock Arms. When will I ever learn?

At the White Horse St George's party night one of the customers asked Les how he knew so many of the really old songs that he performs on Chav & Daisy gigs. Alan (landlord) who was walking past collecting empty glasses, was heard to whisper "Probably because he was alive when they wrote them"

Dave Blosse did a guest spot for Les at The Pilot on Thursday. "I only came in for a Roast Dinner. Gina said it might be better if I waited until Sunday" he announced

At Tovil Masonic Hall, The Blues Mothers arrived to do a gig. Liz and Les arrived first, and when Roger and Margaret arrived Les pointed to a car parking space by the door and shouted at Roger. "Look, they've reserved a space especially for you!" It read 'BAR STEWARDS ONLY!'

At the Chequers Inn jam the other week, Les asked Barry Archer "Do you know that the reverb is nearly full on?" Barry replied "You hum it Les, I'll play it!"

At Sunday lunch in a restaurant last week, The Blues Mothers were having trouble with their roast beef. Les asked "Roger, can you chew yours?" Roger replied "Les, I'd be happy if I could just lick it!"

7 String Les made a guest appearance with The Soul Cowboys the other week. Imagine the picture - Les handing the microphone back to Dave Blosse, both of them sober!

Simon Rawlings appeared at The Pilot Jam last week. He received a warm hand on his ENTRANCE. "Not for the first time either - if you get my drift!" mused Les knowingly.

I've booked a group called 'Chav and Daisy with The Artful Dodger' for St George's Night at my pub 'The White Horse' in Maidstone!" enthused landlord Alan. "They came in to confirm the gig - and its really strange - because they look just like The Bluesmothers!"

"I booked The Rockapaddies once!" remarked Steve from The Fountain in Sittingbourne. "Do you know?" he added "Its uncanny just how much they look like The Blues Mothers!"

"I booked The Rockapaddies for St. Patrick's Weekend!" remarked Beverley from The Old House at Home in Queenborough. "Do you know?" she added "Its uncanny just how much they look like The Blues Mothers!"

"I booked The Rockapaddies for St. Patrick's Night!" remarked Alan from The White Horse in Maidstone. "Do you know?" he added "Its uncanny just how much they look like The Blues Mothers!"

"That 7 String Les bloke is doing another of his Jam Nights here at The King William IV on Thursday April 17th. We're going to have to get on to the brewery for more beer. Not for the customers- FOR THE BAND!" complained Mel and Sandy - the landladies

"At the Billabong this week Ben Jones asked Les if he had a capo to put on Simon Rawling's acoustic guitar (which was cowering in the corner - dreading the beating it was about to receive from Ben) It took smelling salts, a kebab and two burgers to bring Les back to consciousness. Just the thought that anybody would even THINK that he would use a capo, or even own one!" reported Liz, shaking her head in disbelief.

"It has been rumoured that Vince Hall is undertaking ground-breaking work on one of Les's 7 String Guitars" scoffed Simon Rawlings at The Billabong Club recently, he added "Lets hope that its a 'Weird Chord Restrictor' AND that the strap curls up and strangles the fat bastard"

"In the year that the Blues Mothers didn't play on the Isle of Sheppey, apparently tourism hit an all time low. Now that they are back at 'The Old House at Home' again in Queenborough things are improving. It seems that they have a song about a Sheep Activity of some kind that causes much interest to certain types of people!" enthused a junior clerk at the Islands main travel agents 'Bookem and Riskit'

"Every time The Blues Mothers play at our pub 'The White Horse' it makes me wonder why I book them. That Les keeps leering at my wife Lesley, and Liz keeps all the customers outside in the smoking area 'arm wrestling' for money! I wouldn't mind, but she takes more money than we do!" complained Landlord Alan

"I hate that 7 string Les. I've had to start Poker Nights on Thursdays - instead of the Jam, just to get rid of him!" laughed Graham, the landlord of Ryans

"Every time we have The Blues Mothers here," sighed Carol & Peter of The Walnut Tree at Tonbridge Road in Maidstone, "it reminds us that maybe its time for us to retire!"

"Les announced that he had bought a special microphone that filters out swearwords. Well it didn't f---ing well work at The Fleur de Lys the other night!" muttered Vicky Nolan (Jam Night Hostess, ex V Street Band vocalist, Baby Toot Singer and drummer with Toot'n Skamen)

The Blues Mothers are appearing at The Old House at Home for the first time since December 2006 this January. The manageress at the time did warn them "It'll be a bloody cold day before I have them in my pub again!"

"We had our best New Years Eve ever - at Ryan's in Southborough!" enthused Sinead and Graham hysterically. "We put it down to the fact that The Blues Mothers were playing somewhere else that night!"

"We have actually just enjoyed our happiest Christmas and New Year for years!" boasted Andy and Mary of The famous Billabong Club in Rochester. "We closed for a fortnight and didn't have to listen to The Blues Mothers OR Simon Rawlings

"The best thing that 7 String Les could do at the 2008 Maidstone River festival -" exclaimed organiser Vin, "is to JUMP IN!" Darlene of Leeds Castle agreed with the above - then muttered something about a moat.

"The Blues Mothers are welcome to play here any time!" said a representative of The Command House in Chatham. "We never pay bands anyway!"

Matt and Gina, at The Pilot in Maidstone - had this to say. "We had to stock up with more booze for the December 28th Jam Night. It wasn't for the customers - it was for Roger & Les!"

"We had prepared loads of food for our customers at our New Year's Eve Buffet," complained Lesley and Kevin at The Maypole Inn. "and then The Blues Mothers took a break!"

"The Blues Mothers are wubbish, their music is cwap and for me, buying one of their Cds would be pergatwee and daylight wobbewy!" seethed Jonathan Ross (Chat show host and film cwitic)

"There's some good New Year news for our customers!" laughed Sue & Steve of The Fountain in Sittingbourne. "Les has lost his voice!"

Lesley & Alan of The White Horse in Maidstone like to finish early every Christmas Eve. "That's why we book The Blues Mothers every year. We know we can rely on them to drive the customers out well before closing time!" explained Alan

"Liz, Margaret, Roger & Les used to spend a lot of time in my pub, so I sold it!" smiled Ian (ex landlord of The Three Mariners)

"It seems like only yesterday when Les first approached me for a gig in my pub!" recalls Sean from 'The Entertainer' in Sittingbourne. "I wish it was tomorrow, I'd call the whole thing off!"

"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne

"Please don't get us wrong, we love The Blues Mothers, but why do Les and that Damon keep pulling strange faces at each other on the jazz tunes - while they play those weird notes and chords. It puts us off our late night Curry." complained confused Gina and Matt (landlords of the Pilot in Maidstone)

"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinborough

Roger and Margaret were chatting to their driver on the way to Gatwick. The driver asked Roger if he had heard the latest about The Gaza Strip. Roger cut him short with - "Look, Margaret doesn't like me going to that sort of Night Club!"

Apparently Roger's first request on arrival at the hotel in Egypt was "Please can we have a tomb with a view?" Then he asked a taxi driver to take him to the 'Old Bazaar in Cairo'. Margaret didn't feel well, so Roger tried to call the Pyramidics. One of the other guests asked him what he thought of Alexandria, in true form he replied "Yeah, they have some good bands in there on a Sunday. On a coach tour some of Roger's fellow passengers were talking about about Syria. One of them asked Roger what he thought about about Damascas. He thought a moment, then replied "Not a lot! Margaret usually uses Cillit Bang!" In answer to a question about The Sphinx, Rogers response was "Ah yes! he was one of England's best Boxers!" Dave Drivers brother Chris is off to Egypt soon to finish a course in Scuba Diving. Les phoned Roger up - told him this , then asked "What course are you on Roger?" He replied "We're just starting the main course Les - The starters were great!" Liz and Les have started a collection at gigs (please give generously) to raise money so that Roger can STAY in Egypt!

Thank God that Les has a friend like Alan Denton to stick up for him. Somebody playing Pool at The Billabong Club overheard the host Simon Rawlings - telling Alan that Les wasn't fit to Shovel Shit. Straight away Alan spoke out on Les's behalf - and protested "OH YES HE IS!"

Margaret's psychiatrist has told her that living with Roger has sent her into DENIAL. Roger has decided to take her to Egypt so that she can see DER NILE more clearly. With Margaret & Roger's Egyptian holoday imminent, one wonders if also Margaret will come back a MUMMY (this is unlikely - as at his last visit to the doctor, Roger asked for NIAGARA instead of VIAGRA)

"I've put all of my Blues Mothers tracks on one I-Pod - and thrown it away! Ha Ha!" chortled an agent who used to represent the band

"When Roger goes on holiday, the whole band is going to the airport - just to make sure he goes!" laughed Bob

"Give Liz a makeover? How can we make her look half decent, when she insists on having a clothing account card at Millets?" scathed Trinny & Susannah (TV fashion consultants)

"I'd dearly love to book 7 String Les to play in a pantomime I'm producing this Christmas, but how can the audience shout out 'BEHIND YOU' when there's no bloody room for anyone behind him!" confided Bill Kenwright (Leading West End Impressario)

"The Blues Mothers are the kind of band that makes this country GRATE!" enthused Gordon Brown (Prime Minister and Labour Party Leader) at the Labour Party Conference in Bournemouth

"Blues Mother drummer Roger volunteered to walk around Maidstone wearing a sandwich board advertising the band, but true to form he had eaten it before he left home!" laughed his dastardly rival Dave Driver

"All that money, and the Blues Mothers still live like pigs!" squealed Pinky and Perky

"Seven String Les's guitars are covered with residue from burgers, chips, beer & rum. They're a bacterial minefield and we're certainly not touching them!" screamed Kim and Aggie (TV hygiene consultants from 'A Life of Grime')

Liz & Les Miserable actually smiled at some Carol Singers at the door a few evenings before Christmas. They smiled even more when, from upstairs, Rory threw a bucket of water over the poor Children

"When The Blues Mothers do that there Sheep Shaggin' song, it fair makes my stomach turn - I don't mind tellin' you!" muttered Elgin Sparrowhawk

Les had a bath on Christmas Eve. The people in the flat downstairs gave him a book on 'Newton's Displacement of Water Theory' on Christmas Morning

Simon Rawlings has sent Les a Christmas card with glitter on - from his very own make-up box

"I had fantastic New Year's Eve!" chuckled Blues Mother's pianist Bob Goodwin. "I was with another band that night!"

At a recent Blues Mothers gig, an off-duty nurse refused Roger resuscitation. An indignant Roger protested later, "I hadn't even asked her for any!"

Liz bought a new electric double bass this week. Young John Bowles at Music Matters did a wonderful salesman job on it, extolling the instrument's virtues. After a few minutes Liz asked him to stop - and explained, "Don't worry about all that John - Im buying it to use as a weapon! Is there anything available on the market for sharpening the spike at the bottom?"

It is common local knowledge that Big Bopper impersonator Simon Rawlings hates 7 String Les 'Big Time' - and relations between them are somewhat taut most of the time. "I've been studying the Occult methods of sticking pins in dolls that represent one's enemy." said Simon this week, then added cruelly - "The problem is - that they don't fxxxking make one big enough for Les!"

"I heard this week," Les told our reporter "that Simon Rawlings is to do a tribute show dedicated to The Late Great Johnny Cash!" At this point Liz asked "What is he going to call himself, The Man In Pink?"

"There are rumours that Simon Rawlings is to replace Luciano Pavarotti in the concerts with Placido Domingo and Jose Carreras. They are going to be called 'Three Tenors and a Nine Bob Note!" Les confided to Tim Wilson (sound-man at The Billabong Club) this week

"The Blues Mothers all finished a song at the same time this week. That sounds like an 'arrangement' to me!" laughed Amanda, the barmaid at The Pilot

"Seven String Les reckon's that he used to entertain the troops in the Falklands War! Well - if he did, it was the enemy troups because I never saw him there!" broadcast Kate Adey, News at 10

"That fat baxxxrd Seven String Les called me up for the finale at The Fountain on Sunday when he knew I had just broken one string, and had only five on!" seethed Slick Valentine, then continued "That gave him a two string advantage for the last five minutes! I'll get him at The Pilot on Thursday!"

"I think that the Blues Mothers are by far the most exciting, interesting and talented group around today!" writes Mr R. Slick from Pratt's Bottom

"My husband Bob hasn't appeared with The Blues Mothers for about three weeks now. Every night he gets down on his knees and prays that the phone doesn't ring!" whispered Linda Goodwin to a neighbour

"I managed to hide from Les for 35 years before he found me. I went to Ireland and within two days he had found me. Next I went to Lanzarote and he found me. Tomorrow I leave for Mission Control at NASA!" shouted Damon(keyboards)

"The Blues Mothers are great!" enthused Stan Moore from Romford

The Blues Mothers are crap!" complained Ron Ford from Stanmore

"Good Morning!" said comedienne Jo Brand to Liz, in Dulwich on Monday Oct 8th 2007

"Les, Simon Rawlings and Big Dave Tettmar sometimes play in a band called The Wide Boys. There can only be the three of them in the band - because there's no bloody room for anyone else on the stage!" laughed Bob Goodwin (Blues Mothers keyboard player)

"The Blues Mothers were playing at our pub The Maypole last night, and quite frankly we're starting a petition to change the name of our village from 'Borden' to 'Boredom' in time for their next visit on New Year's Eve!" screamed Lesley and Kevin (The Landlords of The Maypole Inn in Sittingbourne)

"I hear that 7 String Les spent several years on a Cruise Ship. Its a pity it wasn't the bloody Titanic!" scoffed HRH Prince Philip the Duke of Edinburough

"It doesn't matter who you vote for at election time - the government will still get in!" announced Blues Mothers drummer Roger from his 'special' chair at the Old Folks Home this week

"Liz and Les have always been interested in politics. They were playing at a Conservative Rally a a couple of years ago and a reporter asked them what they thought certain candidates should do about 'The Homosexuality Bill' Liz and Les both agreed that the politicians in question should pay it" reported a BBC News reporter from Blackpool, who preferred to remain anonymous

"I overheard a conversation between Liz & Les the other day. She asked him what he thought of Anne Widdicombe. Les replied "I'll have to ask Bill Brewer and Dan Stewer and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all!" reported a bewildered Tom Collier

"I know where the Blues Mothers are coming from, and where they're going to - NOWHERE!" dribbled the Right Honourable Les Patterson (Australian Cultural Attache)

"The Bluesa Motheras! No Commento!" declined the Pope

"What the Blues Mothers need is 'Exterminating!'" droned Davros (Leader of The Daleks)

"The Blues Mothers had a band meeting once. It was so digusting that they wouldn't even feature it on The Jerry Springer Show - let alone mine!" recalled Jememy Kyle (British Chat Show Host)

"I bought a van from The Blues Mothers once. I had to scrape off bogies from under every seat!" seethed Alan Denton (Medway based factory owner)

"I've known Les for many years, and its my considered opinion that he's a Twat!" pondered Barry Archer (Impressario and Guitar Virtuoso of Medway bands 'The Tour' and 'Dirty Bertie')

"I asked the Blues Mothers to record one of my songs - and they bloody changed it!" spluttered Gordon Bryan (Medway based Politician, Entrepreneur, Songwriter, Drummer, Two String Bassist, Guitarist, Singer, Curling Consultant and All Round Good Egg)

"They call him Seven String Les, but lots of people don't realise he's using one of them as a guitar strap!" laughed Slick Valentine from Medway based band 'Shameful Behaviour

"If you've ever stood downwind of the Blues Mothers, then you'll know why they have to do so many 'Open Air Festivals'" Overheard in the 'Office of Health and Safety canteen'

"Seven String Les! Its only rigor-mortis that keeps him upright!" Les's heart specialist

"Liz smiled the other day, while I was trimming her hair, and her ear studs popped out!" Gina of 'Gina's Pet Grooming Services'

"Les put the Cxxt in Country Music" scoffed Billie-Jo Spears at the end of their 1980-81 tour

"Be sure to take eye protection if you go to a Blues Mothers gig; because they're all so very ugly!" giggled Quasimodo at Notre Dame Cathedral

"I'd punch Les's Fxxxxng Lights out - if I could get anywhere NEAR him!" swore Vinnie Jones (actor, celebrity & ex-footballer)

"When LiznLes do their jam (at 3pm, on the 1st Sunday of every month) I have to put a sign outside - saying 'Sorry, we're open!'" gasped Steve, of the Fountain in Sittingbourne

"If music be the food of life, then don't book The Blues Mothers!" William Shakespeare

"I would compare Seven String Les to the late, great Luciano Pavarotti!"shouted the bloke who sells XXXXXXXL T-Shirts in Strood Market - at a disinterested and terrified little myopic old lady who was shuffling huriedly past his stall

"Thata Lizza, the biassa-player, she isa so disliked, ina the banda, thata they pieya for her to travel in a separate cara, driven by me!" sniggered Andrea Bocelli (the opera singer) in a heavy Italian accent which was also slightly sharp in tuning

At least when I was in 'Beautiful South' I had someone to carry my equipment! These bastards don't even hold the door open for me!" Damon Butcher (Keyboard with Blues Mothers) "Nor me!" replied Bob Goodwin (Keyboard with Blues Mothers)

"That Les starts the gig without me, then has the effing audacity to tell me that I'm late!" expleted Gary Barnacle (Sax-player) to tabloid reporter Justin Thyme

"The Blues Mothers have two separate keyboard players, so that when one has a nervous breakdown - the other has recovered!" sympathised Walter Gardner (Groundsman at The Priory)

"This whole Blues Mothers situation just IS NOT funny!" sobbed Norman Wisdom - to Mr Grimsdale

"As well as playing dreadful music, The Blues Mothers also suck - and I should know!" announced Monica Lewinski at a press conference

"Is there no beginning to this band's talent?" enquired Hilary Clinton, the famous American politician - at the same press conference

"I'd rather have Colonic Irrigation that sit through another Blues Mother Gig!" reports Alan Whicker (international journalist)

"The Blues Muvvers are mental!" laughed Brian from Big Brother 2007

"Seven String Les, Ooooh Matron!" cooed Kenneth Williams from the 'Carry On' films

"DIE BLUES MOTHERS - DIE!" shouted Brian Blessed in his latest film.

"If I'd known that Les was going to play one, I would never have invented it!" lamented George Van Eps - the inventor of the Seven String Guitar

"Ze Blues Mothers are, 'ow you say - crap, yes or no! Orr ee orr ee orr Je t'deteste!" whispered Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg on their latest version of 'Je t'aime moi non plus!'

"The Blues Mothers? More like the BOOZE Mothers!" sneered The Very Reverend Creedence Smythe-Jones in his "Temperance Today" newsletter to the Parish of Bridgewater in the Scottish Highlands

"Seven String Les thinks that he is both posh and privileged, but he is actually just a stupid twat!" stated Joanna Lumley (actress and celebrity)

"Our customers love listening to Seven String Les and The Blues Mothers - from outside. And its not just because of the Smoking Ban!" moaned Sinead & Graham of Ryan's Pub in Southborough

"Seven String Les? I hate the fat baxxxxrd!" decreed Her Majesty The Queen

"He's no son of mine!" snarled Les's Mum

"LiznLes are a couple of Twats!" observed Rory Alderson the Blues Mothers Recording Engineer

"Seven String Les has more soul than Shoefayre!" writes Katie Treadwell of 'Insteps & Uppers Magazine'

"Les ain't my Brother, he's just heavy!" remarked Les's brother at the reading of their Father's will

"Liz is one of the best bass players in our field!" complimented Daisy the Cow at 'Fallowfield Farm' in Hampshire

"Les's voice has no real BALLS at all, and I should know!" wrote Juan Testicle of 'Spanish Scrotum Monthly'

"Several landlords at our gigs pay me extra money - just to drown the rest of them out with my keyboards!" sympathised Bob Goodwin, pianist with The Blues Mothers

"Playing with Liz, Les & Roger, reminds me of my roots, well 'root canal treatment' to be precise!" winged Gary Barnacle, the Tenor Saxaphone Virtuoso and part time Blues Mother

"I would like to nominate Seven String Les to perform a concert for the deaf somewhere a long way away!" venemously spat Simon Rawlings, who is 'Les's deadly enemy from The Billabong Club in Rochester'

"Never before, has so little been owed by so few, to so many musicians in The Blues Mothers - for doing bugger all!" broadcasted Sir Winston Churchill (ex-politician & diplomat 'deceased')

"Les and I go back forty years - sometimes I wish he'd bloody well stayed there!" reminisced Damon Butcher who also plays keyboard with The Blues Mothers

"That Liz is HORRIBLE!" proclaimed Martha Tydvil from Wales to a reporter. "I just happened to mention that when Les plays her short scale bass on jam nights, what with him being a bit large, the spectacle is reminiscent of George Formby playing a little ukelele banjo. In short, the cow punched me, bloodying my nose in the process. What really upset me, was Les & Roger looking down and shouting at me 'It's turned out nice again!'"

"Apparently 7 String Les is playing a lot of our old material!" our reporter heard Hank Marvin mention to Brian Bennet and Bruce Welch. "I'm a bit insulted by the name of his 'Tribute' (or should I say 'Insult Band')though. They're calling it 'Wank Starving and the Saddoes' It just isn't funny!"

"7 String Les applied to be on 'Strictly Come Dancing!" He was dragged from the studio by five Security Men - because HE DID!" sneered Len Goodman panellist and expert whilst wiping his forehead

"Les has had a few days break this week - I wish he'd made it a few years!" confided Roger to The Medways biggest gossip Simon Rawlings, this week

"Blues Mothers CDs aren't released - they escape!" groaned Natasha Kaplinski to a close friend at the BBC

"Seven String Les was singing 'Lean On Me' the other night. I've got news for him - there isn't any lean on him!" scoffed Simon Rawlings (Big Bopper and Danny La Rue impersonator) as he tucked into his sixth burger - at Legends in Rochester

"I saw and heard The Blues Mothers at a jam the other night. I won't be going again!" confided Richard Briars to Felicity Kendal and Penelope Keith at a Good Life reunion

"Ze Blues Mothers! Zey are sheet!" announced Pancho Villa the Mexican rebel

"The first thing the Conservatives will do when we get back in power is 'Ban The Blues Mothers!" promised David Cameron at The Conservative Party Conference

"Liz has begun rehearsals for a new 'Brittany Spears' tribute act - called 'BrokeAny Wind' reports next door neighbour Ethel. "It sounds fuxxxxng 'orrible!" she added

"When Les dies - I'm going to have a 'Minute of Noise' at the Billabong Club!" smiled Simon Rawlings

"That Liz walks around with such a dour expression on her face - as if she's got a piece of sXXt next to her. She has, and its Les!" Trevor McDonald (ex news anchor-man)

"Les goes around telling people he used to be an actor in fims. I do know that he got thrown off the film set in Elstree - for having a 'Small Part' in Ryan's Daughter!" remarked Sir John Mills, only weeks before his death

"I spent a fortnight with Les 'one afternoon'!" sneered Simon Rawlings

"A Pony Tail can look cool on some men, but on Les - its still a tassel covering a horse's arse!" Nicky Clarke (hairdresser to the stars)

"Following The Blues Mothers gig at The Five Bells in Hoo St Werberough; the question is not HOO? - The question is WHY?" exclaimed a startled regular of the pub. "I'm enjoying having to stand outside because of the smoking ban!" he added. "Especially when they've got bands like this on!"