These from Jim Nugent
A doctor dies and just before the gates of heaven he meets the gatekeeper St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The doctor replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and saved many lives". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life.

A lawyer dies and just before the Golden Gates meets St. Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The lawyer replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and help many innocent people triumph". St Peter replies "You may enter". With that the gates go up and he enters into eternal life.

A musician dies and just before the Magnificent Golden Gates of heaven he meets St Peter. St Peter asks "Why shall I let you pass through the gates into heaven?" The musician replies "I've led a good life, been a good husband, and entertained people through my music, making them happy". St Peter replies "You may enter...just go around these gates, through the kitchen, up the stairs, through the long corridor...."


Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the first one "when you died, how much were you earning?" the guy says about 150K. St. Peter says "Wow! Tell me, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?"

"I was a lawyer."

St. Peter says "That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. "Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?"

"Oh, around 200k, I was a doctor"

St. Peter says "That's very noble. Come on in." St. Peter then turned to the third man: "and you sir, what's your name?"

"My name is John."

St. Peter says " Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning hen you died?"

John says "About $18,000"

St. Peter says "wonderful! What instrument did you play?"


A jazz guitarist wins $100,000 on a game show. The host asks him what he plans to do with the prize money. The guitarist replies, 'Just keep giggin' until it all runs out!'.


What's the difference between a guitarist and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family.


Grandpa asks Johnny what he wants to be when he grows up..

Johnny says, "A drummer!"

"Well, son, you can't have it both ways..."


What's the definition of an optimist?

A trombonist with a beeper.


These in green from Brian Brockie
1. Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese.... . it's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. ... but I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

24. Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing. *****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly and in an equally loud voice replied, ‘NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!’

CLARKSDALE, MS–Ida Mae Dobbs, longtime woman of Willie "Skipbone" Jackson, called a press conference Tuesday to respond to charges levied against her by the legendary Delta blues singer. Ida Mae Dobbs, woman of blues singer Willie "Skipbone" Jackson "Despite what Mr. Jackson would have you believe, I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be," Dobbs told reporters. "I repeat: I am not an evil-hearted woman who will not let him be. To the contrary, my lovin' is so sweet, it tastes just like the apple off the tree." Dobbs, accused of causing Jackson pain and breaking his heart by calling out another man's name, categorically denied treating him in a low-down manner. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around," Dobbs, a brownskin woman, said. "He says he sends for his baby, but I don't come around. Well, the truth is, I do come, but he is out messing with every gal in town." During the press conference, Dobbs also disputed an Aug. 27 statement made by Jackson, who compared her to a dresser because someone is always going through her drawers. "My drawers have not been gone through by any man but Willie "Skipbone" Jackson," Dobbs said. "Neither Slim McGee nor Melvin Brown has ever been in my drawers. Nor has Sonny 'Spoonthumb' Perkins, nor any of those other no-good jokers down by the railroad tracks. My policy has always been to keep my drawers closed to everyone but Mr. Jackson, as I am his woman and would never treat him so unkind." In addition to denying Jackson's drawer-opening allegations, Dobbs disputed charges of unrestricted sweet-potato-pie distribution, insisting that her pie is available only to Jackson. "I do not give out my sweet potato pie arbitrarily, as I am not the sort of no-good doney who engages in such objectionable behavior," Dobbs told reporters. "Only one man can taste my sweet potato pie, and I believe I have made it perfectly clear who that man is." Dobbs noted that the same policy applies to her biscuits, which may be buttered only by Jackson. While most of the accusations levied against Dobbs relate to her running around town with other men, she does face one far more serious charge, attempted homicide. On May 5, 1998, Jackson was rushed to the hospital and narrowly escaped death after ingesting nearly five ounces of gasoline. Jackson claimed that Dobbs tried to murder him, serving him a glass of the toxic fuel when he requested water. Dobbs dismissed the episode as "an accident." Dobbs, a short-dress, big-legged woman from Coahoma County, said it is not she but Jackson who should be forced to defend himself. According to Dobbs, Jackson frequently has devilment on his mind, staying up until all hours of the night rolling dice and drinking smokestack lightning. "Six nights out of seven, he goes off and gets his swerve on while I sit at home by myself. Then he comes knocking on my door at 4 a.m., expecting me to rock him until his back no longer has any bone," Dobbs said. "Is that any way for a man to treat his woman? I don't want to, but if he keeps doing me wrong like this, I am going to take my lovin' and give it to another man." Added Dobbs: "Skipbone Jackson is going to be the death of me." Dobbs said that until she receives an apology from Jackson and a full retraction of all accusations, he will not be given any grinding. "Mr. Jackson says that I stay out all night and that I'm not talking right. He says he has rambling on his mind as a result of my treating him so unkind. He says I want every downtown man I meet and says they shouldn't even let me on the street," Dobbs said. "Well, I refuse to allow my name to be dragged through the mud like this any longer. Unless my man puts an end to these unfair attacks on my character, I will neither rock nor roll him to the break of dawn. I am through with his low-down ways."

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A set of jumper leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal..' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Young Paddy, moved to Roscommon and bought a Donkey from a farmer for €100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Paddy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two euros apiece and made a profit of €898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two euros back.'

Paddy now works for the Irish Government, but is being headhunted by all the British banks!!

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am . I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.! While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that s! he had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease . As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

Turnit upside down and it spells "OIL"

Pass The Butter .. ........Please! This is interesting . . . Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.. DO YOU KNOW.. the difference between margarine and butter? Both have the same amount of calories. Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams. Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study. Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods. Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added! Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods. Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years . And now, for Margarine.. It's very high in Trans-fatty acids. Triples risk of coronary heart disease . Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol). It increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.. Lowers quality of breast milk. Decreases immune response. Decreases insulin response. And here's the most disturbing fact.... Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC.. This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance). You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or a shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: * no flies, not even fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something) * it does not rot or smell, because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic . Would you melt your Tupperware, etc., and spread that on your toast? Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to 'butter them up')!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

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C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Gordon Brown was looking for a lady of the night. He found three such girls in a local pub,a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, £200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was £100. He then asked the redhead Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! If you are 30 or older, you will think this is hilarious!!! When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; What with walking 25 miles to school every morning ... Uphill ... barefoot ... BOTH ways. Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of rubbish like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of 30, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today donʼt know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!! There was no email!!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! ... Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox And it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ's usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up! We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, Your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! (Remember Pong?! I'm really old!) With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting Harder and harder and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bags And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: May I buy you a cocktail?' Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.' Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.'

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'.

Blag of a lifetime Apparently a TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!


The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word 'criminal.' (who thinks up this stuff?)

The second? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!)

And the best for last...Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra... Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And is Always Close to Your Heart!


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'charming' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a charming dress and she looked charming in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a charming banquet and it turned out charming.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Charming, just f...... charming!''


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them that they're going to die.'

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again.The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn`t restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said,"Are you all right?" "I`m sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his >arm. "Who's that man with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. There is a brief pause ............ > >..................then the wife says > >"Ours is much much prettier," . > >

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

A jazzband were working in a club where the dressing room was next to the stage. The band were due to go on directly after the bingo and were tuning up in the dressing room. They could be heard by the bingo crowd and the caller stopped calling to complain to the band about the noise. They explained that they had to tune up before going on and the caller said "Oh come on lads, you've known about this gig for the last 6 months"

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Two women were talking and looking across the street outside a florist's shop; Isnt that your old man over there buying a dozen red roses?" enquired one. "Yeah, the bugger" the other sighed..... "Don't you like him buying you flowers ?" the first one replied...... "Oh yes, I do, but it means I'll have to spend all week end wiv me legs in the air". The first one thought for a moment and said "Why don't you buy a vase then "

If Bob the builder got the sack, he would just be Bob

A man goes into the pub and tells his friend that his Mother in law had just been pulled out of the sea stone dead. "Blimey"said his friend, "that's terrible", his mate went on to tell him that she had 6 Lobsters attached to her body when they pulled her out and he needed advice as to what to do. "Well" he said, " I'll have 3 and you have 3 and we'll reset the bait for tomorrow"

The definition of a folk singer is someone who lays in his pit all day and then goes out at night singing work songs

A drunk was taking a short cut through a graveyard in the rain and fell down a freshly dug hole for the morning. After attempting to get out for 10 minutes he decided to stay there until the morning. Some time later another drunk came along and did the same thing and was desperately trying to climb out. The first drunk said "You'll never get out"......... He did..

I was at the bus stop the other day when a hearse went by. An old lady standing next to me said "I wonder who's died", I said, "I think it's the one in the box"

Two men playing golf and a funeral procession went by on the nearby road. One of the men doffed his cap and the other mentioned that it was a nice gesture. "Well it's the least I can do", the other said, " we were married for 45 years"

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." (Richard Cottee)

"He Ain't my Brother, hes just Heavy" (Ted Miserable)

(Patient) "Doctor, Doctor! I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones!" (Doctor) "Its Not Unusual!" (Les)

Doing a gig in Southend recently reminded me of a day when I was last there, I was having a pint in a bar over the road from the beach when a man rushed in extremely flustered. "Give me a large scotch" he begged the barman, " I've seen the most terrible thing", after downing two doubles he calmed down and told us that he'd seen a man on the beach hitting a woman over the head whilst she was tending her baby in a pram,he told us that the baby and the lady were screaming. We asked whether he had called the police, he said he was going to but one came along and took out his truncheon and hit the man over the head, the man was screaming and continued hitting the woman who was still tending the baby. They were all screaming and shouting and it was awful. We asked him what happened next and he said "The crocodile ate all the sausages" (Fred West)

The old ones are the best:

Q....What do they call a man who hangs around with musicians?.... A.... A drummer

Q.... How can you tell when the drum-riser is level?.... A.... The drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth

Q.... What do you get when you cross a drummer with a musician?.... A.... A bass player

The next three are contributions from Fred West

When Buddy Rich was in hospital dying a doctor asked him one morning if anything was troubling him. Buddy replied "Yeah, country music."

Identical twins Art and Addison Farmer, trumpet and bass players respectively, were being interviewed by a radio presenter. He asked them "You're so alike, how can you tell which is which?" Art replied "Well, when I get up in the morning I try to play the bass and if I can't play it, I know I'm Art."

On his 100th birthday, Eubie Blake said "If I'd know I was gonna live this long, I'd have looked after myself better."

What does James Alexander Gordon do for the rest of the 6 days 23 hours and 52 minutes when he isn't reading the football results on Radio 5 at 5pm Saturdays?

When the doorbell rings why do dogs always think that it's someone for them?

How does the man who drives the snowplough get to work?

Why is there only one monopolies commission?

Why do the Americans call Baseball "The world series" when they're the only country in the world that plays it?

In American grid iron football, why do they call it a touchdown when they don't actually touch the ball down?

Emperor Nero complained: "What we need around here is a manager who really understands showbusiness. The Colosseum's been losing money for years." "Be fair guv, you can't blame me," replied the manager, "it's those lions. They're eating all the prophets." (Liz)

Man: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth." Doctor: "You need a psychiatrist - why did you come here?" Man: "I saw your light on." (Fred West)

My ex-wife wasn't ugly, but I thought it was a bit much when they started putting her picture on aeroplane sick-bags. (The Great Gordino)

(Q)What is small, cuddly & bright purple? (A) A Koala holding it's breath! (Rory)

A man gets pulled over by the police. The officer walks over to the car & says, "Excuse me Sir, but do you realise that your wife fell out of the car 2 miles back?" The man replies, "Thank Goodness for that! I thought I'd gone deaf!" (Liz)

A man is walking across a courtyard towards the gallows with his executioner. It begins to rain. In a confused & nervous attempt to make conversation - the prisoner remarks. "It's rotten weather isn't it?" The hangman replies, "Its alright for you; I've got to walk back through it!" (Les)

A Policeman, during the war, was walking down Chatham High St shining his torch into shop doorways. He came across a man crouched down masturbating and asked him if he knew that there was a war on, "of course I do" replied the man " I'm evacuating the kids"....

A man was arrested for flashing 144 times, he was done for gross indecency

Musicians joke for you Les..... Two jazz musicians walking past a paper shop, on the hoarding it proclaimed,... Indiana Bridge Disaster.... one guy turned to the other and said, "I didn't know there WAS a bridge in Indiana.......... too subtle for the board I think Les?

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ." (Richard Cottee)

The secret of Inner Peace I'm passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, some Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider, a large spliff and some cheese triangles. You have no idea how good I feel....

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??" Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........ "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT GOING!"


Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

By Richard Cottee - if you want to complain...

A blues guitarist died and went to heaven, (there's an unlikely event), he met St Peter at the gate and was told to come in. "I'm not coming in until you assure me that Les Miserable ain't here" said the axeman. St Peter looked through his list and assured him that Les was not there, "OK mate I'll come in". St Peter gave him a strat and told him to go along the passageway and find a nice cloud to sit on. As he walked along he heard this familiar noise coming from outside, he looked through a window and there was Les Miserable playing his 7 string sitting on a cloud. He rushed back to the gates and said, "Pete, you lied to me Les Miserable is up here", St Peter laughed and said "No, thats God, he just thinks he's Les Miserable"



Saw John yesterday evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again If there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going stairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.



England lost to the Germans on penalties. Still got laid though.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. Still think you're having a bad day? A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors. His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband. While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet. After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a louexplosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burnhimself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, dropped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm. Still think you're having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. Still think you're having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Still think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in BonnGermany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly thewo hopeless protesters who were trampled to death. What?! Still think you're having a bad day? publican always let his dog out at closing time prior to going to bed. One night the dog didn't come back as usual so he locked up guessing that Fido had got lucky somewhere and would return later. However poor Fido was run over in the road and was killed..... When Fido got to the pearly gates St Peter was there and told him that he couldn't go into heaven as his tail had been lost in the accident He told Fido that he would have to go back, as a ghost, and get it. So he went back and found the tail but he had no way to attach it again, he carried it in his mouth back to the pub and barked loudly until his master came down to the door. "Where have you been" the publican asked, Fido told him about the accident and St Peter and explained that he would need his tail in place before he could get into heaven. " Well I can't do it now" said the publican, "you know I'm not allowed to re-tail spirits after hours"

A man and a woman were sitting in a restaurant when suddenly the man slid under the table. The Maitre d' saw it and says to the woman "Excuse me madam but your husband appears to be drunk". "Not quite" the woman said, "My husband just appeared through the restaurant door"

A farmer went out one evening to let his cows in for milking and found them waiting at the gate to the milking shed. There had been a sharp frost and the cows feet were stuck in the frozen mud and could not move. He went and got lots of hot water but found that as he released one hoof it got frozen again by the time he released the others. He called a neighbouring farmer for advice and was told that a woman was staying in the Hotel in the village who could help. He called the hotel and 10 minutes later this frail old lady arrived and went to each cow and ran her hands along their spine. Miraculously the cows feet became free and they went into the cowshed waiting to be milked. The farmer went to thank the woman but she had gone back to the hotel. " Who was that woman ? " he enquired of his neighbour who had brought her. " Didn't you recognise her " said his friend, " That was Thora Hird"............... groan.........

> 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with. >>>>> > 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's >>>>> > home." I went over. Nobody was home. >>>>> > >>>>> > 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the >>>>> > other night she called me from a hotel. >>>>> > >>>>> > 4. One day I came home early from work .. I saw a guy jogging naked. >>>>> > I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said >>>>> > "Because you came home early." >>>>> > >>>>> > 5. it's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on >>>>>and >>>>> > a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle >>>>> > came >>>>>off. >>>>> > I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. >>>>> > >>>>> > 6. I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat >>>>> > kept covering me up. >>>>> > >>>>> > 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and >>>>> > radio. >>>>> > >>>>> > 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told >>>>> > me that she only liked me as a friend. >>>>> > >>>>> > 9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who >>>>> > came with his wallet. >>>>> > >>>>> > 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said >>>>>to >>>>> > my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he >>>>> > pulled >>>>> > through." >>>>> > >>>>> > 11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born. >>>>> > >>>>> > 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece >>>>> > of >>>>> > my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. >>>>> > >>>>> > 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help >>>>> > me >>>>> > find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find >>>>>them?" >>>>> > He said! , "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can >>>>>hide." >>>>> > >>>>> > 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. >>>>> > >>>>> > 15. I'! m so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking >>>>>how >>>>> > big I'd get. >>>>> > >>>>> > 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get >>>>> > up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's >>>>>wrong >>>>> > with me?" >>>>> > He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." >>>>> > >>>>> > 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping >>>>> > pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some >>>>>rest. >>>>> > >>>>> > 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my >>>>> > kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. >>>>> > >>>>> > 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he >>>>> > leaves >>>>> > a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went >>>>>on >>>>>the >>>>> > paper four times -three of those times I was reading it. >>>>> > >>>>> > 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control >>>>> > >>>>> > 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was >>>>>in >>>>> > the electric chair

> A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. > She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. > One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long > the poodle discovers that he is lost. >

> So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his > direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. >

> The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some > bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on > the bones with his back to the approaching cat. > Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, > "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. .................... > I wonder if there are any more around here." >

> Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of > terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. > "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me." >

> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a > near-by tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and > trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. >

> But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, > and figured that something must be up. >

> The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans > and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. > The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, > "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen > to that conniving canine." >

> Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, > and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" >

> But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his > attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet............. > and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle > says............. >

> "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me > another leopard!" >


1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am... (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here

10. of

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Kentucky, Ohio, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Alabama, Virginia, Louisiana and Arkansas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15 Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'" After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing ----- Subject: FW: Blonde

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I

get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~ KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, he trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S! A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "we were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it! on or off?"


FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

>Clocks In Heaven . . . > > > > > >A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in > > front of St. Peter at the > > >Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind > > him. > > > > > >He asked, "What are all those clocks?" > > > > > >St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. > > Everyone on Earth has a > > >Lie-Clock. > > >Every time you lie the hands on your clock will > > move." > > > > > >"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" > > > > > >"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never > > moved, indicating that she > > >never > > >told a lie." > > > > > >"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is > > that one?" > > > > > >St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's > > clock. The hands have moved > > >twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in > > his entire life." > > > > > >"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. > > > > > >"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it > > as a ceiling fan."

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over. "Where they going?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles." "Happy days!" says the Irish driver, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way. The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again. "What are you playing at?" He fumes "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!" "I did," says the bemused Irishman "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

Liverpool sign an Iraqi footballer and he makes his debut as a substitute against Man Utd at Old Trafford. With 5 minutes to go Man Utd are winning 2-0 and Benitez, the Liverpool manager decides to put the Iraqi kid on to give him a try out. He scores 3 goals and Liverpool win 3-2. The boy phones his mum at home and exitedly tells her his good news. After listening she says "That's OK for you, have you got any idea of what kind of day we've had, your father's been shot, me and your sister have been beaten and raped and your brother has gone off with a gang of gun runners" . The boy said "I'm so sorry mum that's terrible", "terrible" the mother replied, "it's your fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place".... From Fred West Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford > > Street. > > > > After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of > > amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that >shop > > over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that > > shop is as cheap as chips!" > > > > Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at >that. > > Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy >the > > lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling >them > > in Dublin so we would." > > > > Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever > > have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things > > like that. > > > > The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna >export > > them and make our fortune, so he won't." > > > > Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best >English > > accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll > > just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No >he > > won't." > > > > "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and > > look English." > > > > So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, >where > > Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. > > > > Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight > > Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and >20 > > pairs of strides.... and if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 > > 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'." > > > > Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at > > Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?" > > > > Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if >that > > ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we >were > > Irish?" > > > > The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners"

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference > >> between > >> potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment, then > >> answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a > >> million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt > >> for > >> a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned. So the boy > >> went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for >

> >> a > >> million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an > >> opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked > >> "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh > >> gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that > >> opportunity." The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back > >> to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between > >> potentially and realistically?" The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're > >> sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two > >> slappers. The father replied "That's my boy."

Subject: FW: Kids, on who to marry.....

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? ===============================

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10


( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8


( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10


( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8


( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the 1 Favorite is........


( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

Some good compter gags from an actual log.... >



>Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? >Female customer: A white one... >

>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. >Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? >Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. >Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ... >Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still >on my desk... sorry. >

>Helpdesk: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen. >Customer: Your left or my left? >

>Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? >Male customer: Hello... I can't print. >Helpdesk: Would you click on Start for me and ... >Male customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not >Bill Gates, goddamn it! >

>Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it >says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it >in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find >it... >

>Customer: I have problems printing in red... >Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer? >Customer: Aaaah.................... thank you. >

>Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? >Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me... >

>Helpdesk: And now hit F8. >Customer: It's not working. >Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? >Customer: I hit the F-key eight times as you told me, but nothing's >happening... >

>Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. >Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? >Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. >Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. >Customer: OK >Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? >Customer: Yes >Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another >keyboard? >Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work! >

>Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital >letter 'V' as in Victor, the number 7....... >Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? >

>A customer couldn't get on the internet. >Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? >Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. >Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? >Customer: Five stars. >

>Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? >Customer: Netscape. >Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. >Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer. >

>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on >my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! >

>Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? >Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you >please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? >Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? >Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than >four hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?!? >

>Helpdesk: How may I help you? >Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. >Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? >Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

40 THINGS TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh ... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ....? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder ... my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it ... like humor ... but different.


This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

?Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. ? The newspaper headline read: ?IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we worked out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How do pygmies manage with yo-yos?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?

Can Acupuncture cure Pins and Needles?

How can you mean what you say if you don't say what you mean?

How do snowplough drivers get to work in the morning?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

How many laws does it take to enforce the Ten Commandments?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If Jesus were to return, do you think he'd really want to see all those crosses?

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity?

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? - Stanislaw Lec, 1962.

Just what IS so good about bees' knees?

Now that I am grown, I have a question. Where have all the adults gone?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

To vacillate, or not to vacillate, that is the question. ...Or is it?

What are Black Widow Spiders called before they get married?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Where do you complain about the complaints department?

Why are wrongly dialled telephone numbers never engaged?

Why did Robinson Crusoe find only ONE footprint?

Why do Kamikaze Pilots wear crash helmets?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why do pubs have car parks?

Why do the doors on 24-hour shops have locks fitted?

Why do toilets in aircraft have frosted windows?

Why does Christmas always come when the shops are so crowded?

Why does FLAMMABLE mean the same as INFLAMMABLE?

Why does 'Slim Chance' mean the same as 'Fat Chance'?

Why does the other queue always move faster?

Why is Abbreviation such a long word?

Why is Dyslexia so hard to spell?

Why is there a 'permanent press' setting on an iron?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Why isn't Onomatopoeia onomatopoeic?

Why worry about life? You won't get out of it alive.

A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?

If the days go so slowly, why do the years go so quickly?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone elses?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

Can you cry under water?


> "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." > Rodney Dangerfield >



> "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, > particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz E 240." >

> Lynn Lavner >



> "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." > Camille Paglia >



> "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are > unimportant." > George Burns >



> "Women might be able to fake orgasms...but, men can fake a whole > relationship." > Sharon Stone >



> "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf > is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." > Tiger Woods >



> "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." > Jack Nicholson >


> "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks, or where he lives, but he > never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." > Barbara Bush (Former First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of > humor) >

> "Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals > through his wallet." > Robin Williams >



> "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." > Billy Crystal >



> "According to a new survey, women feel more comfortable undressing in front > of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women > are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." > Robert De Niro >



> "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are > having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe > swelling. So, what's the problem?" > Dustin Hoffman >



> "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know > what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." > Jerry Seinfeld >



> "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough > blood to run one at a time." > Robin Williams >



> "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." > Joan Rivers >



> "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money > can buy." > Steve Martin >



> "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little > things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay > good money for in later life." > Emo Phillips >



> "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." > Oscar Wilde >



> "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." > George Burns

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a"gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S:Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S:That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Wise words

> 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, > for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave > me alone.

> 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky > tire.

> 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your > neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

> 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be > promoted.

> 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

> 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

> 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car > payments.

> 8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. > That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their > shoes.

> 9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

> 10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, > and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

> 11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was > probably worth it.

> 12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

> 13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

> 14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

> 15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it > back in your pocket.

> 16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

> 17. Duct tape is like 'The Force,' it has a light side and a dark side, > and it holds the universe together.

> 18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

> 19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are > moving.

> 20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

> 21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

> 22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on > the same night .

Cocky git in pub: "Hi babe. Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it the stairway to heaven?"

Canny Essex Girl: "Yeah, it's the stairway to 'eaven. But it's OK, there's already an arsehole up there."

C.G: "My name's Bond. James Bond.

C.E.G: " My name's Lost. Gert Lost."

C.G. " Your clothes would look good crumpled up on my bedroom floor."

C.E.G: "So would you, shithead."

C.G "Where have you been all my life?"

C.E.G: " I wasn't born for most of it."

C.G: "Do you want a drink, darlin'?"

C.E.G: "......................oh, ....... go on, then."


> On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and > asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly > aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated > each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that > it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals > that she needed. >


> Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband > in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that > his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he > had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to > find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, > and therefore, they were financially ruined. >


> Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty > years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then > she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were > worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the > largest depositors in the bank. >


> She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him > for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her > savings and investments. >

> Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her > husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his > voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would > have given you all my business!" >


> That's when she shot him. >


> .......You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their > mouths shut.

An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. 'Melbourne,' he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing.........' she says excitedly, '.......... so am I what street?' 'Cameo Street' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering.

'What number?' 'Number 20,' he replies.

She is totally astonished.

'You are NOT going to believe this........,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

I was in the paper shop the other day and the girl behind the counter recognised me from the music pubs around here where I play drums and sing. She asked me to settle an argument regarding my age, she thought I was about 47 and her mate thought I was nearer 50. I was a bit chuffed about it and told them I was nearly 57 and thanked them for the compliment. I left the shop and went into the butchers where I saw an old lady struggling with her shopping. I helped her to the bus stop and she told me it was her birthday and was 75. They were holding a party for her at the old folks home. I was just gonna tell her how old I was and she said that she could tell me exactly how old I was by sticking her hand inside my trousers. I thought I'd give her the chance and after about 5 minutes of fumbling around she said "you're 56" I said "how can you tell by just doing that, that's fantastic" she said "there's no trick to it, I was in the queue behind you in the paper shop" Fred West

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist

"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,




An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship:

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked,

"Was that one word or two?"


Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship - they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much.

You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies > wake up every two hours? > > > If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a > hearing? > > > Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the > batteries are flat? > > Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know > there is not enough? > > Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion > stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? > > Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal > injection? > > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? > > Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when > you throw a revolver at him? > > Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? > > Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? > > What is the speed of darkness? > > Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people > at the Special Olympics? > > > > > > > If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be > twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? > > If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the > others doing here? > > > > Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only > seem longer? > > Do you cry under water? > > How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it > would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? > > Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in > binoculars to look at things on the ground? > > > > > > Did you ever stop and wonder...... > > Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll > squeeze > these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" > > Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm > gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum." > > Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn > the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? > > Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? > > Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but > don't > point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? > > Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when > you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? > > Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? > They're both dogs! > > Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? > > If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills > me!!!!) > > If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from > vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? > > If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from > morons? > > Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have > the same tune? > > Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . . > > Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? > > Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets > mad at > you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out > the window? > > Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive > faster? > > > Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the > first place?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at

a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get

undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

..> ..> ..> ..> ..> ..> ..> ..> Understanding Engineers - Take One Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn i nto a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

met a genuine Indian chief once with his wife who he named Three Horses. I asked if that was an old traditional name and he said "Not really she just nags, nags, nags"

A woman says to her husband "shall I get us some breakfast", he said "Nah, that viagra has ruined my appetite. A few hours later she said, "shall I get us some lunch now" he said, "Nah, that viagra has really spoilt my appetite". A few hours later she said, "shall I get us some dinner" to which he replied, "Nah, that viagra has really put me off food" to which his wife replied, " Well, would you mind getting off now I'm bloody starving" ..>..>..>..> ..>..>..>..>

20 of news' and sport's best balls up's…

1 ) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

2 ) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

3 ) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

4 ) Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

5 ) Chris Tarrant discussing the fisrt Millionaire winner, Judith Keppel, on This Morning: "She was practising 'fastest finger first' by herself in bed last night."

6 ) 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

7 ) Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

8 ) Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

9 ) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 ) James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

11 ) The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

12 ) Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

13 ) Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

14 ) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

15 ) US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

16 ) Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

17 ) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

18 ) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

19 ) New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

20 ) Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Fred West


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Medway in the early hours of Saturday .Its epicentre was in Chatham. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £ 30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Chatham. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news*** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "STROOD" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Medway - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference > Between potentially and realistically?" > > > The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your Mother if > she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your > sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come > back and tell me what you learned." > > > So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert > Redford for a million quid?" > > > The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity Like > that." > > > The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep With > Brad Pitt for a million quid?" > > > The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be Nuts > to pass up that opportunity." > > > The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his > Father. > > > His father asked him "Did you find the difference between Potentially > and realistically?" > > > The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, But > realistically we're living with a couple of slappers." > > > The father replied, "That's my boy."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..." "...I've quit drinking!"










A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American woman. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

-Have you any grounds? -Yes, an acre and half and nice little house.

-No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? -It made of concrete.

-I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? -No, we have carport, and not need one.

-I mean. What are your relations like? -All my relations still in Poland.

-Is there any infidelity in your marriage? -We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

-Does your wife beat you up? -No, I always up before her.

-Is your wife a nagger? -No, she white.

-Why do you want this divorce? -She going to kill me.

-What makes you think that? -I got proof.

-What kind of proof? -She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".